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Post by cassy14 on Aug 28, 2008 13:25:53 GMT -6
SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A Detroit Red Wing Hockey GAME (WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THEIR VIEW), THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, 'I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH , THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.'
THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, 'I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA , THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE.'
THE THIRD GUY SAID, 'I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO , THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE.'
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM VOICE SAID, 'WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE.'
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Post by cassy14 on Aug 28, 2008 13:33:00 GMT -6
Prior to her trip to Texas , Buffy (a Blonde New Yorker), confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State:
1. She wanted to taste some real EL Paso Texas Bar-B-Que. 2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And.. 3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.
Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.
"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a mesquite and when they slow-cook that brisket over that mesquite, it's oooh so good! The taste is unbelievable! And I went to a REAL rodeo! Talk about athletes...those guys wrestle full-grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallup, then jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!
Then they asked...."Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"
She answered..."Are you KIDDING? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind fast!
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Post by cassy14 on Aug 28, 2008 13:35:59 GMT -6
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby, so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice and said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."
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Post by cassy14 on Aug 28, 2008 13:39:32 GMT -6
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look short!"
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Post by cassy14 on Aug 28, 2008 13:47:09 GMT -6
A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?" "That's the elephant's tail," she replies.
"No, under the tail," says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.
The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
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Post by cassy14 on Aug 28, 2008 13:48:06 GMT -6
Why boys need parents...
find out interesting things when you have sons, like...
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV co m mercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
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Post by cassy14 on Aug 28, 2008 13:49:44 GMT -6
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a Party & invited all of his buddies & neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only black man in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters, BBQ & flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool & I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth When there was a loud splash & everyone turned around & saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator & kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the Gator in the eye s with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts & choke holds, biting the gator on the tail & flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning & splashing everywhere. Both Leroy & the gator were screaming & raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator & let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy. The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks. I don't want it,' Answered Leroy. The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex & some stock options?' Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?' Leroy said, ' 'I want the name of the Sumbitch who pushed me in the pool!'
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Post by cassy14 on Aug 28, 2008 14:27:54 GMT -6
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn".
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
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Post by cassy14 on Aug 28, 2008 14:33:10 GMT -6
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what to do about her.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York.
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Post by cassy14 on Aug 28, 2008 15:03:02 GMT -6
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold..and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah . It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants downand started. In the deep snow, she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic, and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.' And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
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Post by cassy14 on Aug 28, 2008 15:09:36 GMT -6
One day a Madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out $5000.00 and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, " South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are guaranteed:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
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Post by cassy14 on Aug 28, 2008 15:12:51 GMT -6
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston...
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s]
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
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Post by cassy14 on Aug 28, 2008 15:14:57 GMT -6
Dievorce (no it's not a typo)
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce"
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
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Post by cassy14 on Sept 9, 2008 14:03:25 GMT -6
> A TRUE SOUTHERN LADY. > A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River > Bridge > in Georgia one day. As she neared ?the top of the bridge, she noticed a > young man fixing (ready) to jump. > > She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, 'Please don't > jump, > think of your dear mother and father.' > > He replied, 'Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump.' > She said, 'Well, think of your wife and children.' > > He replied, 'I'm not married and I don't have any kids > She said, 'Well, think of Robert E. Lee.' > > He replied, ''Who the Hell is Robert E. Lee?'' > > She replied, ''Well bless your heart. Just go ahead and jump, > you dumb ass Yankee.'
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Post by cassy14 on Sept 9, 2008 14:10:40 GMT -6
IT WAS A MISTAKE? A YOUNG MONK ARRIVES AT THE MONASTERY. HE IS ASSIGNED TO HELPING THE OTHER MONKS IN COPYING THE OLD CANONS AND LAWS OF THE CHURCH BY HAND.
HE NOTICES, HOWEVER, THAT ALL OF THE MONKS ARE COPYING FROM COPIES, NOT FROM THE ORIGINAL MANUSCRIPT. SO, THE NEW MONK GOES TO THE HEAD ABBOT TO QUESTION THIS, POINTING OUT THAT IF SOMEONE MADE EVEN A SMALL ERROR IN THE FIRST COPY, IT WOULD NEVER BE PICKED UP! IN FACT, THAT ERROR WOULD BE CONTINUED IN ALL OF THE SUBSEQUENT COPIES.
THE HEAD MONK, SAYS, 'WE HAVE BEEN COPYING FROM THE COPIES FOR CENTURIES, BUT YOU MAKE A GOOD POINT, MY SON.'
HE GOES DOWN INTO THE DARK CAVES UNDERNEATH THE MONASTERY WHERE THE ORIGINAL MANUSCRIPTS ARE HELD AS ARCHIVES IN A LOCKED VAULT THAT HASN'T BEEN OPENED FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS.
HOURS GO BY AND NOBODY SEES THE OLD ABBOT . .
SO, THE YOUNG MONK GETS WORRIED AND GOES DOWN TO LOOK FOR HIM. HE SEES HIM BANGING HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WALL AND WAILING.
'WE MISSED THE R !
WE MISSED THE R !
WE MISSED THE R !'
HIS FOREHEAD IS ALL BLOODY AND BRUISED AND HE IS CRYING UNCONTROLLABLY. THE YOUNG MONK ASKS THE OLD ABBOT, 'WHAT'S WRONG, FATHER?'
WITH A CHOKING VOICE, THE OLD ABBOT REPLIES, 'THE WORD WAS...
'CELEBRATE!!!'
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