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Post by cassy14 on Jul 9, 2008 13:29:04 GMT -6
Subject: Doctors Won't Laugh
>> ...the Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, >> I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.
>> Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
>> Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
>> I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?
>> It's swollen,' Bob replied
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 10, 2008 20:21:18 GMT -6
A 5 year old's first job...
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl prou dly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'
'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?' The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock. Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 10, 2008 20:26:14 GMT -6
Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008 Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5 Health are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2008:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 10, 2008 20:30:11 GMT -6
STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK oldfart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month. Moral of this story? ...
Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 10, 2008 20:36:39 GMT -6
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'
He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . .
(scroll down)
'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 10, 2008 20:45:12 GMT -6
Ladies Only ... Which Movie Star Are You? This is kind of fun!
Ever wonder which movie star you are most like?
Well ~ A team of researchers got together and analyzed the personalities of movie stars.
The gathered info has been incorporated into this quiz.
There are only 10 questions so it doesn't take long.
Number your paper from 1 to 10, then answer each question with the choice that most describes you at this point in your life , and then add up the points that correspond with your answers.
Now when your done put you star name on bottom......
.... And don't be a butt and ruin the fun by not responding .
Now . Don't look ahead or you will ruin the fun!
1. Which describes your perfect date? a) Candlelight dinner for two b) Amusement Park c) Roller blading in the park d) Rock Concert e) Have dinner & see a movie f) Dinner at home with a loved one
2. What is your favorite type of music? a) Rock and Roll b) Alternative c) Soft Rock d) Classical e) Christian f) Jazz
3. What is your favorite type of movie? a) Comedy b) Horror c) Musical d) Romance e) Documentary f) Mystery
4. Which of the following jobs would you choose if you were given only these choices? a) Waiter/Waitress b) Sports Player c) Teacher d) Policeman e) Bartender f) Business person
5. Which would you rather do if you had an hour to waste? a) Work out b) Make out c) Watch TV d) Listen to the radio e) Sleep f) Read
6. Of the following colors, which do you like best? a) Yellow b) White c) Sky blue d) Teal e) Gold f) Red
7. Which one of the following would you like to eat right now? a) Ice cream b) Pizza c) Sushi d) Pasta e) Salad f) Lobster Tail
8. Which is your favorite holiday? a) Halloween b) Christmas c) New Year's d) Valentine's Day e) Thanksgiving f) Fourth of July
9 If you could go to any of the following places, which would it be? a) Reno b) Spain c) Las Vegas d) Hawaii e) Hollywood f) British Columbia
10. Of the following, who would you rather spend time with? a) Someone who is smart b) Someone with good looks c) Someone who is a party animal d) Someone who has fun all the time e) Someone who is very emotional f) Someone who is fun to be with
Now total up your points on each question: 1 a-4 b-2 c-5 d-1 e-3 f-6 2. a-2 b-1 c-4 d-5 e-3 f-6 3. a-2 b-1 c-3 d-4 e-5 f-6 4. a-4 b-5 c-3 d -2 e-1 f-6 5. a-5 b-4 c-2 d-1 e-3 f-6 6. a-1 b-5 c-3 d-2 e-4 f-6 7. a-3 b-2 c-1 d-4 e-5 f-6 8. a-1 b-3 c-2 d-4 e-5 f-6 9. a-4 b-5 c-1 d-4 e-3 f-6 10. a-5 b-2 c-1 d-3 e-4 f-6
NOW . take your total and find out which Movie Star you are:
(10-17 points) You are MADONNA:
You are wild and crazy and you know it. You know how to have fun, but you may take it to extremes. You know what you are doing though, and are much in control of your own life. People don't always see things your way, but that doesn't mean that you should do away with your beliefs. Try to remember that your wild spirit can lead to hurting yourself and others.
(18-26 points) You are DORIS DAY: You are fun , friendly, and popular! You are a real crowd pleaser. You have probably been out on the town your share of times,yet you come home with the values that your mother taught you. Marriage and children are very important to you, but only after you have fun. Don't let the people you please influence you to stray.
(27-34 points) You are DEBBIE REYNOLDS:
You are cute, and everyone loves you. You are a best friend that no one takes the chance of losing. You never hurt feelings and seldom have your own feelings hurt. Life is a breeze. You are witty, and calm most of the time. Just keep clear of back stabbers, and you a re worry-free.
(35-42 points) You are GRACE KELLY:
You are a lover. Romance, flowers, and wine are all you need to enjoy yourself You are serious about all commitments and are a family person. You call your Mom every Sunday, and never forget a Birthday. Don't let your passion for romance get confused with the real thing.
(43-50 points) You are KATHERINE HEPBURN:
You are smart, a real thinker. Every situation is approached with a plan. You are very healthy in mind and body. You don't take crap from anyone. You have only a couple of individuals that you consider 'real friends'. You teach strong family values. Keep your feet planted in them, but don't overlook a bad situation when it does happen.
(51-60 points) You are ELIZABETH TAYLOR:
Everyone is in awe of you. You know what you want and how to get it. You have more friends than you know what to do with. Your word is your bond. Everyone knows when you say something it is money in the bank.You attract the opposite sex. Your intelligence overwhelms most. Your memory is the next thing to photographic. Everyone admires you because you are so considerate and lovable. You know how to enjoy life and treat people right.
Now put your Movie Star in the subject line
I'm DEBBIE REYNOLDS!!! What are you?
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 10, 2008 20:47:51 GMT -6
You got to love this… I have 2 large dogs, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.
The woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
Duh?
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes everywhere and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he staggered to the door laughing.
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 10, 2008 20:51:49 GMT -6
BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. _____________________________________________________ Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month ______________________________________________________ The Baby clothes:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, co lour co-ordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? ______________________________________________________ Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing ______________________________________________________ Dummies:
1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and sterilise it. 2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the b aby's bottle. 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in. ______________________________________________________ Nappy changing:
1st baby: You change your baby's nappies every hour, whether they need it or not. 2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed. 3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees. ______________________________________________________ Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. ______________________________________________________ Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. ______________________________________________________ At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children. ______________________________________________________ Swallowing Coins:
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays. 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you careful ly watch for the coin to pass. 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance! _____________________________________________________ Pass this on to everyone you know who has children . . or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children . . (The older the mother, the funnier this is!)
GRANDCHILDREN: God's reward for allowing your children to live!
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 10, 2008 20:53:47 GMT -6
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.' She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought. But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
Gotta watch those little old ladies!
Their minds are always working!
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 10, 2008 20:57:02 GMT -6
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ??"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks
her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 14, 2008 12:43:32 GMT -6
>A husband is in his recliner one Sunday watching NASCAR when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." > > He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? > Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." > > "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To > which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have > Frigidaire written on my forehead? I don't think so." > > "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? > They're about to break." > > "I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. > "Does it look like I have Lowe's or Home Depot written on my forehead?
> I don't think so. > > I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!" > > He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to > go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are fixed, he sees the hall light is working. > As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey,
> how'd this all get fixed?" > > She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then the neighbor asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake." > > He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" > > She replied, "Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 14, 2008 12:50:27 GMT -6
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse, he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 14, 2008 12:56:55 GMT -6
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married.... If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh crap." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.........
NOW THATS FUNNY AND I DONT CARE WHO YOU ARE............
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 14, 2008 12:59:09 GMT -6
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."
Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim Across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength And the tools to cross the river" Poof! .... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was Able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross The river"
Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one Hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 20, 2008 12:44:49 GMT -6
A Cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the man for his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, doesn't smell alcohol, and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So the officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The man replies, 'It's a, long story, so stay with me.'
'I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
'After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
'Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I'm just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
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