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Post by cassy14 on Jun 8, 2008 12:52:06 GMT -6
THE FINAL EXAM
You teachers are going to love this one!!
At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and All of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that, The weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a Big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they Slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they Would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they Visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, They missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final The next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night For the exam.
The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a Test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to Be easy.... Then they turned the page. On the second page was written....
For 95 points: Which tire? _________
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Post by cassy14 on Jun 8, 2008 12:52:36 GMT -6
I could actually see some you guys doing this kind of thing...........
Why I don't take my husband shopping.....
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men -- he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women -- she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.
Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares - get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least,
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
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Post by cassy14 on Jun 8, 2008 12:52:58 GMT -6
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his apartment.She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him.They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passionbuilds,and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek,looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prizefrom the middle shelf'
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Post by cassy14 on Jun 8, 2008 12:53:20 GMT -6
Bar monkey
A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey and ordered a drink. While he was drinking, the monkey jumped all around the place. It grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. It jumped onto the pool table, took one of the billiard balls, stuck it in his mouth, and, to everyone's amazement, somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender screamed at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?' The guy replied, 'No, what?'
'He just ate a billiard ball off my pool table...whole!'
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything in sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.'
He finished his drink, paid his bar bill along with the stuff the monkey ate, and walked out.
Two weeks later, he came into the bar again along with his pet monkey. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar as before. While the man was finishing his drink, the monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it. Then he found a peanut. This, too, he stuck up his butt, pulled it out and ate it.
The bartender was disgusted 'Did you see what your monkey did now?' he asked. 'No, what?' replied the guy.
'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. The same with a peanut!'
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me.' said the guy. 'He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.'
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Post by cassy14 on Jun 8, 2008 12:53:39 GMT -6
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ''No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'
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Post by cassy14 on Jun 8, 2008 12:53:57 GMT -6
A little village in Poland had only one cow, and one day it stopped giving milk. The townspeople could get a replacement cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles or one from Minsk for 500 rubles. Naturally, they bought the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow with a wonderful disposition and it produced lots of milk, lots of butter and lots of cream. The villagers decided to mate their cow and raise more cows just like it so they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
When the cow went in to heat, they hired a bull and put it with their cow in a pasture. But when the bull came in to mount the cow from the right, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow shifted to the right. She refused to let him mount her. This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation, the villagers decided to go ask the Rabbi what to do. After all, everyone knew that the Rabbi was very, very wise.
They gathered around their leader and told him the story.
"Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull comes in from the right the cow moves left, and when the bull comes in from the left the cow moves to the right. What should we do?"
The Rabbi pondered for a moment and then asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi!" they cried, "you are wise indeed! We never had said where we bought the cow! How could you know it came from Minsk?"
Shaking his head, the Rabbi said sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
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Post by cassy14 on Jun 8, 2008 12:54:39 GMT -6
Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so Much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the Word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
Yes", the mother replied, "we ar e so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
That's great," said Little Johnny, "'cuz he'd be crap-outta-luck if he needed glasses."
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Post by cassy14 on Jun 14, 2008 13:33:46 GMT -6
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude Woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred Years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single Gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a Hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for Thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the Shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care To do it again?"
He asks her "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This Time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head."
------------------------- AND JUST WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???--------------------------.
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Post by cassy14 on Jun 23, 2008 14:12:31 GMT -6
A plane is decreasing speed rapidly downward, the pilot comes over the intercom and says 'i'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have to let some of the luggage go'...the plane continues to decrease speed. Again you hear the pilot over the intercom 'i hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start releasing passengers by alphabet order beginning with the letter 'A!!!'...AFRICANS, ANY AFRICANS?!?... No one answers 'B!!!' BLACK PEOPLE ANY BLACK PEOPLE?!? again, silence. 'C!!!' COLORED PEOPLE, ANY COLORED PEOPLE?!?...silence. A black boy in the back turns to his mother and says 'but mom, aren't we african american?, aren't we black? Aren't we colored?' the mother turns to her son and says ' yes son, but today we NIGGAS!!!...mexicans go first.. The little black boy turns to the little mexican kid sitting next to him and laughs......!!! The mexican kid laughs back and says today I'm a WETBACK......
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Post by Randy Borlace on Jun 24, 2008 20:17:47 GMT -6
I am offended.
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Post by jkelly57 on Jun 24, 2008 21:23:54 GMT -6
you forgot to mention honkeys. "H" comes before "M" or "W". LOL guess we're SOL
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 4, 2008 13:10:13 GMT -6
A guy walks into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, '
Hi. You know, I just Hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job'. The social worker behind the counter says,
'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The salary is $200,000 a year.
The guy, wide-eyed, says, 'You're bullshittin' me'!
The social worker says, 'Yeah, well you started it'.
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 8, 2008 17:12:09 GMT -6
A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 8, 2008 17:12:40 GMT -6
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"
"No, Silly," the blonde said, "first I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a
loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pul led the trigger.
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 8, 2008 17:14:20 GMT -6
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."
"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you going to be okay?" he asks.
"No," exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"
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