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Post by cassy14 on May 20, 2008 13:09:12 GMT -6
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Miller Lite. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Hey lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum police roadblock !!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put labels on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Howdy boys, ya'll been drinkin'?" "No sir," said Earl while pointing at the Miller Lite labels... "Me and Bubba's on the Patch."
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Post by 20fan on May 29, 2008 9:55:30 GMT -6
ROFLMFAO
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Post by cassy14 on May 29, 2008 15:48:05 GMT -6
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
I love this part........... :
"Only when he's been drinking."
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Post by cassy14 on May 29, 2008 15:52:17 GMT -6
> > Mom's Rule You don't even have to be a mother to > > enjoy this one...
> > Brian invited his mother over for > > dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's > > mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful > > Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had > > long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian > > and Jennifer, and this had only made her more > > curious. Over the course of the evening, while > > watching the two interact, she started to wonder if > > there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met > > the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian > > volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but > > I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.' > > About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, > > 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been > > unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You > > don't suppose she took it, do you?' Brian said, > > 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just > > to be sure. So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mom: I'm > > not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from > > the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take > > the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has > > been miss ing ever since you were here for dinner. > > Love, Brian Several days later, Brian received an > > email back from his mother that read: Dear Son: I'm > > not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm > > not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. > > But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in > > her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by > > now. Love, Mom > > LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
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Post by cassy14 on May 29, 2008 17:31:56 GMT -6
____________________________BREAKING NEWS !!!
CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the
screens of the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at
the same time you do.: !!
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Post by jkelly57 on Jun 3, 2008 6:03:01 GMT -6
Those are funny right there. ;D
Cassie, feel free to keep posting a daily joke if you'd like. They crack me up.
-Jr
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Post by cassy14 on Jun 3, 2008 14:37:14 GMT -6
I knew it was going to happen, but we just didn't know when. Here it is! Men's answer to Maxine.
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is a bout to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't There is a clock on the oven.
------------------------------------------ Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Post by cassy14 on Jun 3, 2008 14:54:43 GMT -6
Ultimate Redneck Test
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You score points for every statement below that applies to you. You will notice that some items have double points, because they count in more than one category. In other words, if you �have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education,� you get 10 points in the car category and another 10 under education for 20 total points.
The Redneck Test for Cars and Trucks 1 Point: You've ever parked a vehicle in a tree. (2 points if it was a Camero) 1 Point: You have a rag for a gas cap. (2 points if you regularly drive the car) 1 Point: You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car. (2 points if it has been there for more than a month, 3 points if more than 3 months. Continue to add 1 point each month.) 2 Points: You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 2 Points: Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray. (Add one more for each additional color) 2 Points: The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones. 2 Points: When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank. (Double points: Car & Booze = 4 total) 5 Points: You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 5 Points: You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it in prison. (Double points: Car & Family = 10 total) 5 Points: You mow your lawn and find a car. (Add 5 points for each additional car you find.) 5 Points: There is more than one car up on blocks in the front yard. (Double points: Car & Home Decorating = 10 total per car) 10 Points: You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. (Double points: Car & Education = 20 total) Jeffroe Hatfield holds the high score for this section at 221 points. Jeffroe mowed his lawn last summer and discovered 4 trucks and 3 cars. (6 were actually in the grass. One was a Camero in a tree that he could not see because the grass was that high.) Four had hefty bags in the passenger windows and 6 had rags for gas caps. He poured gin in their gas tanks, but could only get one to start. He put wide rear tires on that one along with the license plate that his father made. He plans to haul hay bales in it. The rest he put up on blocks in the front yard and has partially painted with primer. Jeffroe Hatfield says, �Ya�ll forget that book learnin� in an hour, but a good truck � now thar�s somethin� a man can be proud of.�
The Redneck Dogs, Hunting and Road Kill Test 2 Points: You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. (Double points: Dog & Hygiene = 4 total) 2 Points: Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. (Double points: Hunting & Family = 4 total) 5 Points: You have forgotten which coat is sprayed in deer-pee, and worn it to church. 5 Points: You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. (Double points: Hunting & Family = 10 total) 5 Points: Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in. (Double points: Hunting & Truck = 10 total) 5 Points: You and your friends sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota. (Triple points: Hunting, Entertainment & Friends = 5 points per person) 5 Points: You've ever tried to hit a deer with your vehicle ... on purpose! (Double points: Hunting & Truck = 10 total) 10 Points: If you succeeded in hitting a deer with your vehicle � again on purpose. (Double points: Hunting & Truck = 20 total) 20 Points: You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. Bubba McCow is top gun in this category with 102 points. Bubba�s Christmas rituals are legendary. Every year (after he gives both his Grandma�s ammo), Bubba and his 3 buddies climb up on the roof with their shotguns and a case of PBR beer in hopes of bagging Rudolf. This eventually led to his wife, Maycee, to ask for a divorce. She sued for custody of their 2 prize hunting dogs. Now he hunts with his 1976 Chevy Bonanza truck � no gun � no dogs � just the truck. Maycee says, �Christmas was a annual nightmare. Those idiots shot out every light in the trailer park. But those 3 stuffed skunks in the bedroom � I couldn�t sleep � Their presence permeated the house all year long.�
The Redneck Education Guide 2 Points: You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. 2 Points: The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute". (Double Points: Education & Decorating = 4 total) 5 Points: Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. (Double Points: Education & Family = 10 total) 20 Points: You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. 25-year-old Sherwood Fleabalm is the most recent individual to rack up the 36 possible points in this section. After completing 6th grade last year, Mr. Fleabalm went to work at Larry�s Lube Shop, but they all felt he was �snooty, � because he had so much education. He recently graduated from the Alabama School of Trucking and Cosmetology. Sherwood says, �Ah tell awl ma cousins ta git a good ed-joo-cay-shun.�
The Redneck Entertainment Challenge 1 Point: You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive. 1 Point: The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection. 1 Point: You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work. 1 Point: You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. (Double Points: Cars & Entertainment = 2 total) 5 Points: You took a fishing pole to Sea World. 5 Points: You buy two CB radios so you can talk to yourself. 5 Points: You've been too drunk to fish. (Double Points: Booze & Entertainment = 10 total) 5 Points: You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. (Double Points: Alcohol & Entertainment = 10 total) 10 Points: You celebrate Groundhog Day (cause ya believe in it!!) 10 Points: You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest". 20 Points: You win the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest". Clyde Calpepper, holder of the top score (75 points) in this category, has wide ranging interests: Conrad Twitty, wrestling, and stock car racing to name a few. For winning the Groundhog Day Spittin� Contest last year, he received 2 C.B.s, a bug-zapper, a year�s supply of beer and a trip to Sea World. Clyde says, �Ah bean too drunk ta walk, but dis was da first time I ever bean too drunk ta fish. Else ah wooda got me one of dem Or-a-kin fish.�
Redneck Food and Booze Test 1 Point: You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve. 1 Point: You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are major food groups. 1 Point: You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. 1 Point: You�ve made a pyramid of beer cans. (Double Points: Booze & Entertainment = 2 total) 2 Points: You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. 2 Points: You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. 2 Points: Your idea of a 7-course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack. 5 Points: You have lost one tooth opening a beer bottle. (Double Points: Booze & Hygiene = 10 total points for each tooth) 5 Points: Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events. (Triple Points: Booze, Family & Entertainment = 15 total) 10 Points: Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people". 10 Points: Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your hometown. (Double Points: Booze & Entertainment = 20 total) 10 Points: You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. (Triple Points: Hunting, Food & Truck = 30 total) 10 Points: Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging. (Triple Points: Hygiene, Dogs & Food= 30 total) Thelma Lou Eisenmeyer�s (80 Points )beer can collection draws tourists from 7 counties, so she decided to put in a concession stand serving barbequed Spam on a cracker, beef jerky, Moon Pies, pork & beans and beer. Sometimes, she�ll even serves deer burgers, if her brother �gets lucky.� She rents Styrofoam containers for those who want to carry out and dreams of expanding her little restaurant into a KFC and liquor store. Thelma Lou says, �Da Ul-ti-mat Redneck Test is da most ex-sight-in� thang that�s ever heppen to me. The onlyest thang that would could be betta, is to meet Mr. Jack Daniels hisself.�
The Redneck Friends and Family Test 1 Point: You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. 1 Point: Your Momma would rather go to the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Double Points: Family & Entertainment = 2 total) 2 Point: A ceiling fan has ever ruined your female family member�s hairdo. 2 Points: Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. (Double Points: Family & Car = 4 total) 5 Points: Your spouse or child weighs more then your refrigerator. 5 Points per Relative: A living relative is named after a southern civil war general. 5 Points: You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. 5 Points: Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush it." (Triple Points: Family, Hygiene & Entertainment = 15 total) 10 Points: Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home. 10 Points: Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event. (Double Points: Family & Entertainment = 20 total) 20 Points: You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'. 20 Points: Your brother-in-law is your uncle. Jeff Davis, a real family man, holds the high point honors (101) in this category. Every weekend he goes with his mother, tag-team wrestler Super-Sized Dolly, and his son, Jeff Davis Junior, to the zoo or the racetrack. Jeff�s neighbors say. �His gene pool doesn't have a �deep end� and his family tree doesn't fork.� Jeff replies, �There�s nothing wrong with marrying your cousin. After all, my sister married her uncle.� Super-Sized Dolly says, �Jeff Boy! Git that tooth pick out a yar mouth!� Jeff Junior adds, �Ah am proud a ma pa, �cause he dumps the biggest turds in the county.�
Home Decorating 1 Point per Item: You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland. 1 Point: You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 1 Point: You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 1 Point: The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road". 1 Point: Your boat has not left the driveway in a long time. (Double Points: Decorating & Entertainment = 2 points for every year) 2 Point per Item: Your wife has a Budweiser knick-knack collection � clocks, figurines, mugs etc. 2 Points: Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 2 Points: The Salvation Army declines your stuff. 5 Points: There is a stuffed formerly alive animal anywhere in your house. (Double Points: Home & Road kill = 10 points per animal) 5 Points per Decoration: The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. 5 Points per Painting: You own a painting on black velvet. (10 points if it�s Elvis) 5 Points: You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture. (Double Points: Home & Hygiene = 10 total) 5 Points: Your home has more miles on it than your car. 10 Points: Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. 10 Points: You burn your yard rather than mow it or decide it�s just easier to spray Round-Up all over everything. 10 Points: Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 10 Points: You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. 10 Points: You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard. 10 Points per Item Brought Home: You come back from the dump with more than you took. 20 points: If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes, a jacket and grabbing a flashlight. 25 points: A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement. Noted art-on-velvet painter Charlene Blumenshine scored the most points (268 without a tornado hitting the neighborhood) in this section. Last summer, she and her taxidermist husband, Furd, burned the yard around their trailer, so it would be easier to get to the bathroom and refrigerator. To their surprise, they discovered their boat and the 3 toilets she brought home from the dump and planted flowers in 2 years ago. But the biggest advantage was now they can see their year-round Christmas display even better. Charlene regularly gets to the Stinky�s Gas and Grill for the newest Budweiser clock or Elvis collectible. Their neighbor is lawyer, Reid Stromsburg. He says, �Christmas lights 12 months a year! Enough!�
Romance 1 Point: Dolly Parton reminds you of the �Grand Tetons'. 5 Points for every time: You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint. 5 Points for every time: You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey. 5 Points per girlfriend: You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. (Double points if your girlfriend was a cousin.) 10 Points: You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures. 15 Points per wife: You dated your daddy's current wife in high school. (Double Points: Family & Romance = 30 total per wife) 15 Points per year: You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. (Double Points: Family & Romance = 30 total per year) 20 points: Ya can't get married to your sweetheart cause there is a law against it. (Double Points: Family & Romance = 40 total) It�s a rare weekend when Romance Redneck, Zechariah Filmore (total 150 points), doesn�t have a black eye or hickey � generally both. His tongue gestures and animal noises just seem to raise a ruckus. The water tower in Point Pleasant, Iowa is a catalog of his girlfriends. (3 were cousins. 2 dated his daddy, but only one married him.) �Ah always brung the mistletoe to owr family Christmas dinner,� Zechariah says.
Wardrobe and Hygiene 1 Point: You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirtsleeve. 1 Point: You own at least 10 baseball hats. 2 Points: You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat. 2 Points: You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions 5 Points: When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans. 5 Points: Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. 5 Points: Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is. 5 Points: You consider a three-piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear 5 Points: Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco. (Double Points: Family & Wardrobe = 10 total) 10 Points: You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 10 Points per Time: You've bathed with flea and tick soap. 10 Points per Time: You've ever worn a tube top or a beer T-shirt to a wedding. 10 Points per Time: You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. 10 Points per Time: You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. 15 Points: You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a month. 15 Points: Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair. 15 Points: You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub. �Ah have a special matching Pabst Blue Ribbon T-shirt and baseball hat that Ah wear only for formal occasions,� says Marty Eager. It�s that philosophy that brought him to the top of the Redneck Wardrobe category (91 points). Marty�s baseball hat collection is so extensive that he can wear a different hat everyday for 2 months. �Of course, he doesn�t,� says his wife Gertrude. �He wears the same one till it�s frayed and you can�t tell the original color. Then I git mad and throw it out.� �You WHAT!� says Marty. �Don�t you go near ma belt buckle collection.� �But yoo cain�t wear �em with overalls,� replies Mrs. Eager. The Eager bath tub was 25 rungs and Exxon currently has the oil rights to Mary�s hair.
A Test on the Miscellaneous Qualities Unique to the American Redneck 1 Point: You don�t know what miscellaneous means. 1 Point for Every Time: You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?" 1 Point for Every Time: You've ever made change in the offering plate. 5 Points: You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart. 5 Points: You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month. 5 Points: The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 5 Points: You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind". 10 Points: Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 10 Points: You are still holding on to confederate money because you think the South will rise again. Some qualities unique to the redneck defy categorization. Emma Lou McCormick excels in this area with 136 points. Every Sunday, Emma Lou makes change in the collection plate and greets her minister at the Baptist Church of Amazing Grace with, �How�s it hangin� over yonder dare padre.� She always laughs after she says it � alone. Sixteen-year old Miss Harris is a proud employee of the Podunk, Georgia Wal-Mart. �The most excitin� thang that ever happened to me before da Ultimate Redneck Test � gushes Emma Lou, � was inheritin� ma gram�s confederate money. I�m gonna use it ta finance ma dream � a fireworks stand. Ah�m gonna do it, too, in jest a few yars, when I finish eighth grade.�
So Who Is the ULTIMATE REDNECK? The most points ever scored on this test so far was 911 racked up by Billy Bob Dimwitty, whose 3rd grade teacher read him the Ultimate Redneck Test when he was 19. He plans to quit school next year and marry Cindy Lou (his Brother-in Law, Uncle Bobby�s daughter) and attend the trucking Institute of Georgia. "That tornado comin' through the neighborhood put us over the top.� Here are a few of his other qualifications: There are 17 cars in various stages of disrepair in his front yard. He has 3 taxidermists on his speed dial. He has been thrown out of the Sea World for arriving drunk with a fishing pole. His dogs leave the room when Billy Bob eats. He is president of the Committee to Change the National Anthem to �Georgia on my Mind.� (The C.C.N.A.G.M.) A list of every girl friend he�s had since he was 7 in on the Interstate 75 Overpass.
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Post by cassy14 on Jun 3, 2008 14:58:29 GMT -6
One Liners
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol I intend to live forever - so far, so good I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. OK, so what's the speed of dark? Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Black holes are where God divided by zero. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.
I really think the Mars Rover is scouting for the next Wal-Mart Superstore site.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
What we could really use is the separation of Bush and state.
Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.
If you can't read this, you're illiterate.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
He who hesitates is boss.
As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never
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Post by cassy14 on Jun 3, 2008 15:02:36 GMT -6
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
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Post by cassy14 on Jun 3, 2008 15:07:34 GMT -6
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed the man a citation, and then as he turned to walk back to his cruiser, the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man.
"Um, yeah... so," the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
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Post by cassy14 on Jun 3, 2008 15:20:07 GMT -6
An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the following morning. One of the prison guards asked the inmate if he wanted something special for his last meal. The inmate declined the offer. Later, the prison guard asked the inmate if there was something special he wanted to do on his final day. Again, the inmate declined the offer. The following morning, as he inmate was being put before the firing squad, the guard asked him if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."
"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" asked the guard. The inmate thought for a moment, then replied, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, from beginning to end, without any interruptions." The guard nodded and agreed. "Go ahead," said the guard. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."
A young man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and that he would have to return the next day.
"What for!" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's why!" As the young man reached for his wallet, the judge relented, "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I know. I'm just checking to see if I have enough for two more words."
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?" "Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward."
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Post by cassy14 on Jun 5, 2008 13:01:55 GMT -6
Black hurricanes? Well, it appears our African-American 14% have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman, from Florida , has complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up! She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in Language that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
I can hear it now: A weatherman in Miami and Tampa says...
Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo' chirren, yo' Ho, be leavin yo crib, and head fo' da nearest guv'ment office fo yo FREE crap!
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Post by jkelly57 on Jun 5, 2008 21:29:26 GMT -6
Can you say reverse racisim? Ah damn, I just did! -Jr
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Post by cassy14 on Jun 8, 2008 12:51:25 GMT -6
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Parisi?'' Yes, Father, it is.'' 'And who was the girl you were with?'' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' 'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it TinaMinetti?' ''I cannot say.' ''Was it Teresa Volpe?' ''I'll never tell.'' 'Was it Nina Capelli?'' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' ''My lips are sealed.'' 'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?' ''Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tightlipped, Joey Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself. 'Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend, Franco, slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'' 'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
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