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Post by cassy14 on Jul 20, 2008 12:45:52 GMT -6
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what?
A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a** hole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Ticket ------------------$95.00
Court Costs ------------$45.00
Look on cops face ----Priceless
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 20, 2008 12:53:59 GMT -6
A redneck couple had just been married and went to an expensive hotel for their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said "This is a very special 'casion. It's our weddin' night and we need your BEST room with a strong bed." The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the bridal?" The redneck fellow thought about it for a minute and then replied, "No, I guess not. I'll just hold on to her ears 'til she gets used to it."
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 20, 2008 13:07:01 GMT -6
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start now!"
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 20, 2008 13:07:34 GMT -6
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'So he tied her up and went racing.
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 20, 2008 13:09:07 GMT -6
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. 'He's a funeral director,' she answered 'Interesting,' the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 20, 2008 13:21:42 GMT -6
Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.
As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't know her occupation.
Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for. Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.
When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said, "How the heck do you do this at your age?"
She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!"
The policeman fainted.
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 21, 2008 15:56:20 GMT -6
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 21, 2008 15:57:15 GMT -6
Renee and Robin, two blonde sisters, had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away, and the two blondes kept their promise.
They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After awhile Renee says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Robin?' Robin slipped over the side, and finding the water only knee deep, said, 'Nope; not yet Renee.'
So they row a little farther. Again Renee ask Robin, 'Do you think were out far enough now?' Once again Robin slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No; this will never do. 'The water is only up to my chest.'
So on they row, and row and row; and finally Robin slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Renee is really getting worried, when suddenly Robin breaks the surface. Gasping for breath she says, 'OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel.'
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 28, 2008 14:02:48 GMT -6
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. ' What's that big brass gong ? ' one of the guests asked.
' It's not a gong. It's a talking clock, ' the drunk replied. ' A talking clock ? Seriously ? ' asked his astonished friend. ' Yup, ' replied the drunk.
' How's it work ? ' the friend asked, squinting at it. ' Watch, ' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment....... Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, ' You a**-hole ! It's three-fifteen in the morning !
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 28, 2008 14:03:04 GMT -6
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." your gona get married next lol..... would you just stop it now.
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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Post by cassy14 on Jul 28, 2008 14:03:22 GMT -6
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened ....
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those a**holes deducted $95.00 in taxes.
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Post by cassy14 on Aug 5, 2008 13:09:50 GMT -6
Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?') 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'For reading a book,' she replies, 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again, 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.' 'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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Post by cassy14 on Aug 5, 2008 13:11:56 GMT -6
Tickle Me Elmo:
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
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Post by cassy14 on Aug 22, 2008 17:01:07 GMT -6
I copied this from another website. Its hilarious:
Last weekend (because we werent racing) I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 18th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Jan. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Jan what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my dog Rocky looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and Thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Rocky (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Rocky looking on with her head turned to the side as to say, 'don't do it dumb___,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The dog was making whining sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-B___CH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I sh_t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I Believe was coming from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
P.S- this is just a joke, I really didnt do this.
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Post by cassy14 on Aug 28, 2008 13:22:41 GMT -6
OLD PEOPLE ROCK
Four old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked in. One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.' The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.' One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.' Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times. Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!' Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?' Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison--'We were at your birthday party yesterday!
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